It’s been a very very long year and I am sorry I haven’t kept up with things around here. I don’t really have anyone to blame but myself for that. However I do want to start off by saying this year has been hell. I feel as though I have had more downs than ups this year and that’s pretty sad to say nonetheless. Whether that be the struggle of recovering from my injury or having people breathing down my neck about what I should be doing, or struggling to find a job that suits my needs now. Mentally I had to discharge from everything and everyone except my wife and child as well as my mom and dad cause I was having breakdowns every so often.

But we’ll come back to that in a little bit, right now I want to focus on the bigger picture. What is the scope for 2022? It’s big, I won’t say its bright but its hopeful. I took a break from gaming as much as I was doing previously to focus on family. It was by far the best decision I could’ve made for myself mentally. But, that’s not all! Not even close! I also started developing my own video game that is titled Project Cloudia. I am super stoked to have embarked on this journey and its been a massive learning curve and a huge undertaking as well.

So we’ll talk about Project Cloudia first, the inspiration I had to make a video game has been there since I was in the single digits bracket. But, my brother James heavily influenced me in my teenage years. It wasn’t until I was down and out that I started in December 2020 to start working on Project Cloudia. I was scoping out what type of game I wanted to make, thought about it for awhile and decided I was going to take inspiration from the original Final Fantasy and original Dragon Warrior/Dragon Quest series on NES/SNES. So far I have two chapters of the game complete with bug fixes squashed and many features that would’ve been such a quality of life to have in those old school games we all love.

But needless to say its been alot of hardwork and dedication that has gone into it and I am proud of how its coming along. After the holiday season we are heading into development again with an extreme motivation, and we’ll be moving onto Chapters Three and Four. So I am stoked and heavily excited for whats to come and how twisted the story is about to get. However I guess I could give some insight into the story of the game.

You start out the game in a dream sequence where you speak with an unknown individual, you have no idea what is going on but this person is explaining you are a hero in the story that plays out. He also explains that there is an villain who is out to bring the world to its knees and bury it in darkness. You have the choice to play as a Male or Female character and name your character whatever you like so long as its 12 or less characters. Afterwards you end up outside of your home town of Lutzville and the rest is a mystery for those of you to find out when the time comes.

As you may’ve guessed from the project title, the game takes place in a fictional world called Cloudia. Cloudia at first might not seem huge but once you’re out adventuring and experiencing everything it has to offer you’ll quickly find out its rather huge. I think currently I have put well over 500 hours into the project and it just continues to grow and I continue to gain ideas from friends and family as well. Nonetheless if all goes according to plan I should be releasing the game by Summer of 2022 which would be fantastic if you ask me. Personally I need to thank my friends and family for always keeping me motivated to keep working on the game even if things get rough or I hit a spot where I am completely stumped.

But moving into the next part of the blog which has alot to do with friends and family. I personally can’t make people believe me or listen to me about what’s going but the least I can do is try to explain it as best as I can. In 2019 I was part of an accident which left me with two completely broken heels and unable to walk. I honestly sometimes catch myself reliving it and cringing at the sight of seeing myself hit the ground. But fast forward through all the recovery and physical therapy to now. I am still not able to do even half of the things I used to do. I can’t run at all, I can slow jog but I can’t run whatsoever. My balance is completely ruined so I am even more clumsy than I was previously.

Prime example would be that we have two sets of stairs going out of the house, each time I take trash out to the garage through the back door, I end up slipping or falling down the steps and that usually jacks my pain level up but I push through it. Everyone tells me to take it easy after that but I just can’t, I am motivated to just keep going even though I know by the end of the day I am going to regret it. Nonetheless doing everyday things that used to be so easy, I see now have actually become difficult and here is why. Have you ever had a pain that felt like someone was taking a knife and stabbing it into the back of your heel and dragging it up through your muscles into your knee?

If you have then by god do I share in your pain and feel for you as well. Personally for me this happens on a daily basis, and usually it gets worse as the day goes on if I am continuously trying to get work done around the house. If I am sitting or standing for an hour at a time, I get that pain and my joints completely lock up. Now if that wasn’t enough sometimes I have to watch how I walk as well because sometimes I notice my left leg going inward while I’m walking as well and if I step the wrong way I can trigger that stabbing pain and it leaves me standing still and in pain for about a good minute.

Looking back at everything I wish I never would’ve made the decision I made that led to me getting hurt in the first place. Now I have to deal with this constant pain everyday that makes my life a living hell. Which is why when people ask me why I am not back to work yet or why I don’t have a job yet or this or that, I kind of feel like complete and utter, excuse my french, shit. Half the time I feel like people who don’t have disabilities or medical issues or chronic pain, don’t fully understand the situation. My friend, my wife, my mom, my dad, they all didn’t understand and/or believe me when this all first started happening.

I had to show them literally what was going on and explain everytime I stopped dead in my tracks, why I was stopping and the pain I was dealing with and going through. But, people on the outside don’t know what I am dealing with or what I am going through. Behind closed doors though, I can’t even run around the house like I used to with my child. I can’t do daily activities each day and feel fully accomplished because the majority of the time I can’t do all the shit I used to do. It’s disappointing and quite honestly sometimes it just either causes me to have a mental breakdown or I get extremely pissed off at myself.

But what can I do now about it? Well I can push through it all and give into what everyone else expects and have one of two outcomes, cause I have thought about all of this long and hard. Option number one is I keep fighting for disability like I have been since August, or I find a hardworking job again or even one from home, go through all of that again and possibly make the damage to my feet even worse and in the long run maybe not walk normally ever again and then when I am older (50 years down the line) not even walk anymore.

Now that might sound dramatic to someone who isn’t going through what I am going through but these are the facts I have to face. I am already getting debilitated when standing or sitting and walking around for an hour at a time. I don’t expect anyone or everyone to understand, but I am throwing it out there as a simple reminder that my life changed when I hit the ground that day. People might not like how I am stuck living my life currently but this is how it is right now until I can figure something out. Anything at this point would be great but who the hell knows whats going to happen next.

Either way I just know that I have my regrets and I still have my breakdowns and I still get pissed off at myself but, I try my best each day for my wife and for my child as well because I know I owe them alot more than they owe me. I am extremely proud of the both of them and I wish I could say they could be proud of me, but really I know that no one truly should be. But, enough about all of this, it might be hard for me to get around, but I won’t let it fully stop me. I can’t because then I would be just giving up completely and that just isn’t acceptable.

However, for now I think I am going to end this here, I feel bad that I hadn’t wrote all year long and its a shame cause I feel like the blog and website is coated with dust. So I figure its time to dust it off and shine it up and start posting alot more over the next year. But before we enter 2022, I want to wish Family, Friends, and everyone out there a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am hoping that 2022 is a better year for alot of us out there. As this whole COVID-19 Pandemic as left us all struggling in one way or another whether it be financially or other reasons as well and personal family losses.

Much Love and to a brighter new year to come!

~Zeb

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