I’ve come here today to talk about a few things from my past, a few things in the present, and what’s got my eye for the future. I can’t say that everything in my past was perfect simply because, it just wasn’t. I had many ups and downs..mostly downs. One of those downs happened to be the 5-8 year stretch that was but wasn’t entirely wasted on my Ex Girlfriend at the time. What I thought at the time was supposed to last, turns out it just wasn’t supposed to.

 

For those of you that don’t know I actually have not just one, but two daughters, -gasp-. However, I do not currently see my first daughter due to issues between her Mother and I -gasp baby mama drama-…not really. However, to make a very very long story short, things at first were amazing, then as we intertwined and had a baby, things dwindled and spiraled downwards rather quickly.

 

Oi, 5 years which seems like an eternity looking back on it now, I had my fair share of good, bad, and ugly moments. As did Natasha, but I feel out of it all I became a better person plus man due to the ups and downs. So what ended it all you may wonder? Well, it was mainly Tasha who called me over the phone (yeah..one of those kind of break ups)…And she had told me a situation that had taken place.

 

Needless to say it ended up going down sort of like this, she was on the phone with me saying “I’m done, I’m done, I’m done, We’re over” then she 3-way called her mom into it, and said “Mom, listen, I have Zeb on the line, We’re done, Zeb do you understand me? We’re done!” one thing led to another and she got her dad upstairs from the basement and repeated the same exact things.

 

Though I am not sharing the situation that sparked all of this so people will be skeptical of what even happened and wonder I am not going to speak of it because it was over another situation that involved my mother and her at that point in time boyfriend. But, that’s besides the point the fact of the matter is she broke up with me over the phone -gasp- ouch.

 

However, that’s not the kick you when your down part to the story. That part is the fact that for 2 years after I moved out of Indiana, I continued my relationship with her, everyday was a struggle, and it always ended up with me being the one to keep fighting the good fight, fighting for something I was never really destined to have in the end of all of it. In the last weeks of the relationship I had plans of seeing Laila, and doing dad things with her, and fighting for her.

 

The unfortunate thing about it all is I never had a chance. Anytime I asked to see her, the answer was always “I’m not going to come down there, if you want to see her, you need to come to my parents house.” Mind you we both had/have equal rights. However, the last time that I had been to her parents house I got told by her mother “Thanks for ruining our lives, thanks for ruining our daughters life.” one night when I was leaving.

 

Of course it hurt me so badly I started to cry a little and when I was getting ready to leave, I turned and looked at Laila and I said to her these exact words “Laila, daddy loves you. No matter what anyone says about me or what I have done you will always have me. You’re not a mistake but you’re the best part of me and what keeps me alive and pushing forward.”

 

Of course though Laila didn’t understand or maybe she did, cause I vaguely remember her smiling at me as I kissed her forehead and turned and walked out. It was the last time I had seen her. As badly as it all hurt and as badly I wanted to just outburst on everyone…I just couldn’t. I was emotionally drained after everything ended, I just couldn’t focus or be myself anymore.

 

I remember being in a skype call with Dan, when all of it went down and I remember saying at the end of the phone call with Natasha “You’ve just killed me. You ended me.” She hung up and didn’t call back, and Dan was yelling through my headset over the skype call but by that time I had already run downstairs. I almost did the unthinkable. But, I ended up going back upstairs sitting down and turning on a few songs and singing while crying.

 

I was left a crying, broken, or maybe shattered mess would be best suited for the situation. Nothing in my life at that point was going right and endlessly seemed to be going no where. No positives, nothing at all to show for except my job and being alive but not feeling like alive. As time went on I tried to be strong and get myself together but it just wasn’t happening.

 

So when the time came I had tried to suicide via suffocation on my bed. I had even written a suicide note to “Fluffeh”. I had become so consumed by negativity, sadness, depression or whatever, that I almost took my own life. But, let me be the first to say that in the end, its never worth it. To all of those reading this that have gone through a suicide attempt or have thought about it whether it be previously or currently.

 

It’s just not worth it at all, envision your loved ones and how they’d feel and what they would think. Think of your current Wife, Girlfriend, Best Friends, Siblings, vice versa, and how it would damage them for the rest of their lives. Suicide may be an easy way out, but it’s a permanent choice. Once you go through with it and do it, there is no coming back, there is no turning back and going back to point B for beginning. You’re stuck at point E for Ending. JUST DON’T DO IT.

 

Now here’s where it ties into my Present, if I had done everything I was going to do, I wouldn’t be here. But more importantly, I wouldn’t have my daughters, and I wouldn’t have my wife. I wouldn’t have these two beautiful loves of my life. My pride and joy wouldn’t have ever had a chance to exist or bloom the way it has. I had to fight to get here, I had to fight my demons.

 

I had to fight myself, my past, and my demons and negativity. I needed to make myself stronger and grow up quicker than ever before. I had to relearn life as it was and how to start over and once I did…my goodness the changes I made. My wife and I met at the mall and it all was smooth sailing from there. I think one of the best moments we had when we first met was going into the Spirit of Halloween shop and I stepped on one of the pressure pads and scared her.

 

But a favorite that I had was just being able to spend time with her and get to know her little by little. It seems like at first it was baby steps and with time it slowly turned into leaps and bounds. The strange thing is that although we made all these steps and leaps, we still fell flat on our faces. We got so close, so quick that we backed off from one another.

 

I think it was 2 or 3 months we went without really saying much of anything to eachother. I hadn’t even told her that I had almost suicided. That’s the amount we were talking at that point in time. But, I believe it was around Christmas time when we picked it all back up and started talking about everything more and more all over again. It was definitely December that much I can confirm.

 

Thing’s were taking off yet again, only this time…I wasn’t backing down. I was coming on strong and most likely overwhelmed my then girlfriend (now wife) at that point in time. But needless to say when we ended up together as in a relationship -gasp! OH EM GEE.- it was the best moment of my life right then and there. I knew she was something special, someone important, and someone that would be by my side for a long time.

 

Looking back on it all and how it unfolded the way that it did it is rather incredible. Granted I haven’t explained every detail, but, I have to have my secrets! Haha. Either way, after being in a relationship for a certain period of time. I made like a sheep and got the flock out of my mother’s home and into an apartment with my waifu, on our own. That began our journey as a true couple.

 

It was definitely a true test to see the good, bad, and…? And what? Ugly? There was no ugly. Unless we’re talking about waifus bad habit of leaving half full cups around the apartment because damn, that was ugly to look at. Haha! Either way, moving forward everything was still going pretty smooth we had our arguments and amazing moments in our little apartment. Hell we even had Harold living with us.

 

But fast foward to now, we’re now parents to the beautiful, the one and only, pride and joy, -drumroll-……..our daughter! I have to say though with all the work that our little one is, there isn’t a single regret or negative thought that crosses my mind when it comes to both my Wife and Daughter. Thing’s worked out the way that they were supposed to and God blessed me with a beautiful daughter and wife, and a crazy, silly, sometimes argumentive, but filled with love and cherishable moments and memories to reflect on later on, Marriage.

 

I can’t and wouldn’t trade a single experience leading up to my present because who knows where I would be if I had went back and redid certain things. Would I be here still? Would I have my daughter and waifu? What if, I did this differently. I wouldn’t be where I am today that’s most likely the sum of it all. My daughter and her crazy moments and her mother wifey and her crazy moments.

 

These two complete me in a way that no one ever will be able to. Okay except the man upstairs. That’s besides the point. But the truth is my life isn’t over and I have a lot of years to do more than what I am doing now and I am hoping that more success comes with time. I don’t like where I am at personally job wise, but, that can and will change sooner or later.

 

I am hoping within the next 5-10 years that we will officially be Homeowners and not just “The Clarks that Rent from people” Haha. But, I do want us to be more successful than what we are currently. Each month is a struggle sometimes but, we always do what we can to pull through and that is sometimes harder than other times. Sometimes we’ve hit points in the road thinking, how are we going to make it?

 

But, somehow someway we came up with the money or came up with the chance to get by and we did it. With help, and without help, credit given where its due and those people know exactly who they are that helped us. We still owe you, trust me, we haven’t forgotten. However, the future goals for the next 10 years is the top 3 priorities, both of us driving. (My wife’s beating me in that)

 

Owning our own vehicle and being able to go wherever, whenever without having to rely on my mother or harold or anyone else really. I have some family members that are pretty salty when it comes to the fact that my mom takes me here or there or wife here or there. But, let me make this known since I haven’t said it before. You can get pissed off at me all you want, but I never once have asked my mom to take me to work.

 

She is the one who has approached me and said well if I don’t then how are you going to get there? I would always respond with “I will find a way mom, I know you don’t like driving at night.” but that answer wasn’t good enough. And for the people in my family that are still irritated, angry, upset that I am not driving. Look…I respect your opinions, I respect what you all have accomplished in your lives.

 

But, I am not you, I am not the one who was all excited to drive and have that “Independence” that everyone speaks of. I am the one who got excited to get in a car, behind the wheel, and then started going, and would choke and lock up and get anxiety. I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy it, but I am working on it, so kindly I am asking those of you that keep getting onto me…please get off my back. -phew-

 

Moving on, where was I?…Ah right, Future goals & priorities, both of us driving and owning our first vehicle. Being first time Homeowners in due time, probably 5-10 years if we’re lucky and if things play out the way that my Wife & I plan & hope for them to. But we will see. But, I guess we will have to see. But we do have an important announcement to make soon enough.

 

Okay for the love of all that is holy don’t jump on the Zeb’s waifu is prego again train. That’s not it, not by a longshot. However, it is a big big big announcement. You’ll see in the coming week or two. But for now, I am going to wrap this up and say thank you to everyone who read this and made it through all the sad and funny and confusing and somewhat craziness of my life, past present and future.

 

I love you all! Take care of yourselves and you all will hear from me again soon enough! Like…later today!

 

-Zeb “Leoracle25” Clark

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